So I started playing pick up basketball again. It's pretty fun, but I had to swear by an oath before I was allowed on the court. That was kind of strange, but I got a copy for my records. Here it is.

I, _________________ promise to obey this oath at all times. In order to achieve at pick up ball I must sacrifice for the betterment of the game. I promise that upon arrival I will stretch for at least five minutes, and while doing the butterfly stretch to loosen up my groin, I will groan and then complain that I partied way too hard last night. When I finsh stretching I will jump up and down 3 times bringing my knees to my chest and upon completion shout "Game Time! What?" I will then exclaim I've got next, and point at the people around me. This is intimidation. I will call every one dude. I promise that at the beginning of the game I will yell "ball!" and clap my hands so that people know I am playing the point. I will do this after the other team scores, and when another teammate has the ball. Every time. When play stops I will check my cellular telphone, and often times softly say into the phone, "Baby what's up?" even if there is no one on the other end. I will slowly walk the ball up the court. I promise to conserve energy, by slowing the tempo. The other players need me around for the long haul and I cannot afford to get winded. When other players run the court as hard as they can I will punnish them by not passing them the ball and using the excuse that there was no passing lane. By running so hard they cannot last the four hours that I will play. Chicks dig me cause I'm a winner. If I am on the sidelines, I promise to yell "ohh!" in the most obnoxious tone whenever anyone makes a play. For an exceptionally good play I will yell "ohh shit!" even louder and more obnoxious and look for someone to highfive. For a dunk or blocked shot, sub highfive with a chest bump. I will call the 4 other guys on my team and I "The Champs." That will be our team name. I promise to take my shirt off, it's hot out and I need to stay cool, especially since my shorts will touch my enormous filthy white ankle braces. Even if I am wearing cargo shorts, I will still take my shirt off. To keep sweat out of my eyes I will wear a bandanna, but only in blue or red, no other colors are acceptable. I also promise to wear my oversized sunglasses for I don't want to get the sun in my eyes to disrupt my shot. For I plan on shooting. I promise to hoist threes on the break and yell "score it!" whenever it goes in, but if I miss I wil stop look around and blame the wind then yell "man, I hate playing outside!" I can dribble through my legs! I promise to show everyone that can run, jump, and touch the net! I will not play defense, if my man drives I will swipe at him with my arms. If he scores, I will complain to my teammates that there was not help defense. If he calls a foul, he is a pussy and I will yell "oh come on, toughen up you Nancy!" I will drive a Ford Mustang with a spoiler. I promise to stand at the top of the key dribbling, pretending like I am going to pass it while I watch my teamates tire themselves out by making clean cuts to the basket. I will wait until they clear out so I can take my man one on one, and I will pull up for a jumper. If I make it I will yell "in your face" or something along those lines. If I miss I will take the lords name in vain and yell at my team for not rebounding. I will slap people on the ass and say "good hustle." I promise to call fouls, and after every one I will tell my man "c'mon this is a friendly game." I will also tell everyone on the court that my man has to foul me because he can't guard me. I will intimidate others who try to set picks on me by yelling out "I'm blasting through all picks!" This will let them know not to try to pick me. I will drink electric blue colored sports drink between games. I promise to chastise teammates when they miss shots and tell them "we need those."

Above all, I promise to do it all again. This is my court.

__________________
Signed
________
Date

So, if you want to play pick up ball. This is what you need to sign so that you can play. Just some forms to get out of the way before the fun can begin.

Mary,

I checked out your profile...lol. I really liked the picture you put up with the puppy. That is so cute. lol. I had a puppy once but he passed away in a microwaving accident. It's still really difficult for me to talk about...I'm a sensitive guy, do you like sensitive guys?

ANYWAY, I know we haven't myspaced before, but I know you. I don't know if you remember me from dinner at Geisha House, but I was sitting at the table accross from you upstairs by the bathrooms. I saw you look at me, but I was a little nervous to approach you. I'm a shy guy, do you like shy guys?

I saw that you paid with a credit card. So when after you paid and walked out I went over to your table and checked out the reciept. Wow you can eat a ton...LOL!!! How did you like the spicy tuna roll? I didn't think it was spicy enough. Do you like spicy food? I love it.

I copied your name down from the receipt and just figured I would connect with you on the internet. I love mypsace so much. Don't you just love it? Well, did a search for you and there you were! Small world, bumping into you like this. You're also on friendster, but that's gay! Seriously, you should be careful about how frivously you use your credit card. Also, you tipped the waiter too much. I saw the way he was looking at you and that was just offensive. wtf? He deserved a stern talking to rather than a tip. Jason with the spikey hair will not be bothering you again. Speaking of safety, you should really get that tail light fixed on your car. It's dangerous driving around in this city and you do not want a ticket. I can fix it for you.

I see on your profile that you like working out and dancing. Me too! lol. Sometimes when I'm bored I work out really hard, then I shut off the lights and cover the crack under the door with a towel so no light can get into my room. I take off all my clothes and turn on my black light and bump some house music. I watch myself in the mirror and it's amazing. I'm just a sweaty glowing masterpiece. You should try it. I can teach you. Do you like house music? I love it.

I saw on your profile that you were in a relationship. How serious is that? Because when I saw you at dinner you were with a couple girlfriends who looked like they were cheering you up. Plus, from your credit information, you have been making some purchases that someone with your salary would never be paying for if they had a sugar daddy. Also, looking through your trash can I found ripped up pictures of a man in there, and some empty ice cream containers. So I figure you're good to go...I thought it was my opportunity to take a chance. You wan't to get a drink sometime?

I get along really well with your parents so they'll like me a lot more than your last boyfriend. Your mom is really funny and your father's a character. You should call home, they worry about you. I love my parents. They are dead, but I still consider them my best friends. I have pictures of them all over my house. It's really touching.

We don't even need to go to bar if that makes you nervous. I'll just come over. I make a mean cosmopolitan which I know is your favorite. Let's see I'll be there tomorrow at 730 pm. This is what I'll be wearing. So dress to impress.

Anyway, I feel that if I talk too much longer we'll have nothing to say tomorrow when I come over.

Michael.

P.S. That sharp dresser in the picture is my friend Sean. He picked out my outfit. We're best friends. We hang out in his basement all the time and play darts. I punish him, but he always wins at darts. So I was thinking on our second date we could double. Me, you, Sean, and your friend Joanne. Joanne Sanchez, the one in your top eight, that lives down the block from you and meets you every Tuesday for raquetball at the Y. She's good, and you would have no problem defeating her if you just tweaked your backhand. I'll show you what I mean later. Anyway, I was just thinking they would be great together. Do you think she'll like him. They both cried at the end of My Girl when McCauly Culkin got stung by all the bees. I noticed you didn't cry when you saw that but you did cry at the end of Terminator 2 when Arnold gets lowered into the molten metal...I did too.

First let me apologize for not writing for almost a month...I am so sorry...I was extremely caught up in a tug of war competetion amongst prepubescent girls. Sadly I lost in the semi-finals. No championship trophy.

I am especially embarassed for not writing because I didn't realize I had a fan base. Shout out to the Roberts Brothers living in Holliston Massachusetts. My two biggest fans...I think. It's a close race between them and this scary bald guy on the right who sends me myspace messages like it's his job. He told me that he works for the government...we might go bowling later this week.

And while I'm on the topic of shoutouts...I was very saddened this week by my lack of a shout out by Zacarias Moussaoui. I mean, dude was shouting out every one...EVERYONE...why not me? after all we've been through? Zacky baby, our friendship is over...I'm not going to write you every day while you're in prison, forget about care packages with a splash of perfume and some naughty pictures. It's over bitch.